Porn Fu

Porn Fu: The Single Greatest Movie Ever Made (Now in SUPER-VIBRO-VISION!!!)

I've seriously been considering whether I should talk about Porn Fu, the feature film I've been writing for two years and am thisclose to finishing the final draft. Not that I don't think people want to see the film (far from it: from what I can gather, everyone I mention this film to want to see it), nor do I think it's a good idea (I wouldn't have devoted two years of my life to writing something I didn't think was a good idea). But I've been seriously worried about sharing the idea simply because, well, I don't know if I'm good enough to write it.
The movie concerns the aptly named Long Wang, a master in ancient art of porn fu, a martial art that is derived from pent up sexual energy. Every time Long Wang uses his skills, he must have sex in order to regain his energy, but he cannot climax, or he loses all that energy and must start over. His mother, a prostitute, was murdered by a member of the Yakuza when Wang was very young, and in the film he travels to the place of her murder in order to avenge her. But...along the way, he gets stuck in a gang-run town and must help an old man, Temura, rid the town of both gangs before he can be let out, as well as recover his mother's necklace, her last physical possession and his only reminder of her. Yep. Think of the plot as Yojimbo meets Kung Fu Hustle with a whole bunch of Johnny Wadd thrown in. Did I mention there is a Goth chick with a broadsword, cat ears, a cat tail, and is a badass motherfucker? Or her assisstant, a kung fu schoolgirl in possession of a teacup terrier with a taste for blood? Or Goatse...the character with the single most insane character trait I think I've ever created?
There is lots of blood, lots of sex, and lots of comedy. Trust me when I say that I am putting everything I love about action movies into this film. You want a fight scene while the main character is getting a blowjob? Check. You want a fight scene in a narrow hallway between the main character and 30 bad guys? Check. You want a fight scene where a villain is exploded by the sheer force of the protagonist's crotch? Checkity check check.
So here I am, tightening up lot points, cleaning up the dialogue, and going through the script for a sixth time and I've been thinking about sharing this idea without whoever it is that reads this. The budget would be exorbitant (at least $1 million...and that's a low estimate), shotting would be difficult, but I will settle for the end result being nothing less than amazing. Director Wai Choy, with whom I've worked before in the past (and is a very gifted director), is eager to get started on this project, and has a crew assembled (I myself have assembled a preliminary second-unit crew, and have been searching for performers for the more...um...well, not to mince words, for the sex scenes.) Casting the main roles of Long Wang and Goatse will the most pivotal components, but if done correctly, we would see this film expand in the sequel, which would conceivably be shot in New York's Chinatown (and involve an S&M dominatrix, a free-running sequence on the rooftops, and a fight between Wang and about 20 bad guys in the middle of rush-hour traffic with cars racing about...simply kick-ass). Again, everything I would want to see in a film.
Is this a film you would want to see, that you would want your friends to see? It's the simplest concept: combine action with sex and set it free. Would you be willing to see witness the journey of Long Wang over the course of Porn Fu, and Porn Fu 2: Year Of The Cock? Because I sure as hell know I would.
Whoever wants to see this film, let me know. Let me know what you want to see, what ideas you might have for action or sex scenes (and fear not: the crazier the idea, the funnier it will be and the more likely it will be in the film). I want to know what you think, as I'm trying to write this film for you to enjoy. Enough of the pretentious art films and stupid film school student projects (mine included in that description). Let's have some fucking fun already!



A future review of the film, as featured in a future issue of The New York Times:

“Porn Fu: A Review” by A.O. Scott

I still don't know whether to jump up and down for cinematic joy, or be horribly depressed and offended after watching Porn Fu. A parody of vintage adult films from the Seventies, and the chop-socky imports from the East during that same era (some scenes feel cribbed right out of Fists Of Fury, The Chinese Connection, and Five Fingers Of Death, as well as Sonny Chiba's Street Fighter series), Porn Fu is a film that also pushes the limits of what the MPAA will allow...and what audiences can stomach. The title suggests a lot...and the film delivers so much more. Much more. Much much more than you'd ever care to even imagine about knowing.
The plot (if it matters) concerns Long Wang (yep, this is that sort of film), a young master of porn fu who, as a child, witnessed the rape and murder of his mother. Now that he has matured and is a formidable fighter, he ventures to the City (an anonymous place) to find her killer and avenge her. It's as simple as that...except that he spends the entire film at a small, walled town called Fukiyaka in order to defeat two competing gangs, one led by Lady Ichi and the other by Lady Kiochi. Why? Well, they stole his dead mother's necklace, and, after a particularly amazing battle (which we are told about, but never see...one of the film's many non-sex-related jokes) befriends an old man. If this all sounds familiar, it should, as the plot bears striking resemblance to The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly, which itself is a remake of Yojimbo. The structure is identical, but in this interpretation, the main character is capable of fighting dozens of bad guys at a time, make love like Peter North, and explode a human being with a pelvic thrust. Again, this is that kind of movie.
It's hard to tell whether this film is insensitive to racial stereotypes, or whether it is sexist, or whether it is simply a throwback to the relative political incorrectness of the 1970's, a time when there was major social change, yet men still thought they were on top of everything. Despite the fact that the women play the most important roles (one is the villain, and the other changes sides after sleeping with Wang, and they each use Wang more ofte nthan he uses them), the men are duplicitous and naïve (especially Wang, who is the most naïve until the end of the second act; and the duplicitous Kyo, the jealous boyfriend to Lady Kiochi), and the violence has real weight to it. And the sex scenes, while seemingly superfluous, is anything but. Wang's skills are derived from pent-up sexual energy: every time he makes love, he must fight, and vice versa. On the surface, the film is nothing but penis jokes, double-entendres, and suggestive character names (some of which I can't even print). But, in light of all this, the title of the film is Porn Fu; if you honestly think the film is a treatise of current social situations you should relax and sit back and just enjoy the show.
Enjoyable this show is. Throughout the course of the film Long Wang beds about seven beautiful women (including one who seemed ripped right out of a Japanese manga), kills about a hundred bad guys, explodes about ten others, saves an old man, and fights one of the most outright original characters I've seen in some time: a fedora-topped assassin named Goatse who has a skill so crazy you won't know how to react. The plot is solid enough, although the first half of the second act has Wang meander for a bit before getting down to business, but once he fights off about thirty bad guys in a single-shot fight set in the narrowest hallway in the world, you'll realize that this is a film that is doing more than just showing people have sex. It is pushing the boundaries of what action movies can do and get away with.
While the film is considerably better than the so-called “parodies” that have flooded our theatres twice a year, it still suffers from an incomplete story: one gets the feeling that this is all just a set-up for a sequel. Not that I would mind that: Long Wang still has to find his mother's killer and enact bloody, sex-fueled revenge. If that were all to it, though, then maybe we should have gotten to it this time around. All in all a mindless diversion to the halcyon days of 1970's action and sex films, a combination that perhaps more people should have done. As it is, I'm looking forward to Porn Fu 2: Year Of The Cock.

Below is a scene from the opening of the film:

EXT HILLSIDE – MORNING

A beautiful, clear day; sun shining; green, thick grass; mountains. Wang climbs to top of a small hill, and as we follow him, we see A GREAT CITY in the distance. He sits down and takes out some food.

We HEAR A WOMAN SCREAM a short distance away. Wang turns, and at the bottom of the hill we see…

EXT WANG POV --- SAME

…A WOMAN (mid-20’s) being assaulted by a group of A DOZEN THUGS. The thugs stand in a circle with the girl in the center, pushing her from one side to the other, laughing all the while.

EXT HILLSIDE --- SAME

Wang watches.

EXT BOTTOM OF HILL --- SAME

One of the thugs holds onto the WOMAN, while another takes off her shirt: the woman is now topless, she has an unbelievable body. Two other thugs begin fondling her, his friends laughing and goading him on. They go a bit further with the girl as one after another joins in…

Wang walks towards them.

LEADER
(To Wang)
You want some of this?

WANG
Let her go.

LEADER
This is none of your business.

WANG
Let her go.

WOMAN
(To Wang)
Help me! Please!

LEADER
(to Wang)
Stay out of this.

The Leader PUSHES Long Wang, who stands his ground. Another of the thugs, THUG #1, rushes up, standing next to his Leader. Wang steps forward. THUG #1 SLAPS LONG WANG in the face, hard. SLAP!

Wang remains calm. Another thug, THUG #2 rushes over, laughing, and taunts LONG WANG.

THUG #1
(To THUG #2)
Take his necklace!

THUG #2 RIPS OFF Wang’s necklace, and stares at it. Wang closes his eyes, and breathes in deeply.

LEADER
(Turning to face the rape)
Kill him. He’s nobody.

Thug #2 pulls out a KNIFE and approaches Long Wang. The knife comes CLOSER, almost DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA, filling the entire screen, its blade SHARP…

The woman SCREAMS as the LEADER removes his CLOTHES and stands over her…

The knife SLASHES ACROSS THE SCREEN, we hear only the woman SCREAMING…

WIDE SHOT as Long Wang CATCHES THE BLADE between two fingers and SNAPS IT in half all in one move. THUG #2 stares in disbelief. All are quiet, including the woman.

THUG #2
(To his partners in crime)
Uh, guys…?
Long Wang flings the SNAPPED BLADE, which cuts a thug in the NECK, bleeding him to death.

Long Wang KICKS Thug #2 so hard in his crotch that Wang’s foot gets stuck in Thug #2’s pelvis. As the other thugs run towards him, Wang kicks THUG #2 into them, sending them sprawling.

The thugs attack Long Wang, who dispatches them efficiently and coldly, with the minimal of theatrics.

Lots of kicks and throws, Wang barely loses his ground or gives up any space; no flashy or wasted moves. The Leader faces off briefly with Wang, who throws him against a tree effortlessly.

LEADER
(To Thug #1)
What's he doing?

THUG #1
He is doing kung fu!

LEADER
Can he do any more?

THUG #1
Of course he can! He has plenty of kung fu!

The Leader and Thug #1 return to the fight.

Meanwhile, the WOMAN the Leader and his men were raping gathers her clothes and runs off, hiding in some bushes some distance off, watching Long Wang as she gets dressed…

We return to the action to see Long Wang standing over TWO UNCONSCIOUS THUGS, in including Thug #2, as the others run off down the road and into the woods bordering the road.

Wang takes a step forward and then COLLAPSES: he is spent, his energy depleted. The WOMAN tentatively walks to Wang, checks to see if he is alive.

FADE TO BLACK

EXT. RIVERBANK --- AFTERNOON

We open on LONG WANG’S EYES as they open slowly, painfully.

He is lying on a riverbank. His bag is placed under his head as a pillow, and the Woman’s shirt is underneath him as a makeshift sheet. There is a flask of WATER at his side, and he drinks.

Woods surround the area. The Woman he saved emerges, carrying some SMALL LOGS.

WOMAN
Oh. You're awake.

WANG
What happened?

WOMAN
You collapsed after they ran off

WANG
I feel weak…too weak. Drained…

WOMAN
Thank you for helping me. My name is Tushi.

WANG
How long have I been out?

TUSHI
Two hours.

Wang tries to sit up: he can’t.

TUSHI
(She gives him water)
How did you fight like that?

WANG
I know Porn Fu, an ancient, forgotten martial art.

TUSHI
“Porn fu”?

WANG
My skill is derived from the pent-up life-giving energy created in the art of love-making. Lovemaking and fighting go hand-in-hand. Both can be animalistic, but both contain a beauty unfound anywhere else in human existence.

TUSHI
You use up your energy in fighting?
(Touches his hand)
And how do you regain that energy?

Wang leans in close to her face. Cue highly-synthesized, cheesy PORN MUSIC.

WANG
By doing the opposite of fighting.

TUSHI
Is there anything I can do to help?.

WANG
Yes. You might be able to give me a hand.

They kiss, not passionately, but expectantly. From kissing they move into a bit of foreplay, and end with Tushi giving Long Wang a HANDJOB.

TUSHI
(Giving him a handjob)
Oh my, what power!